The Wrong Way to Fast

"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." These words danced around in my head as I tried to work on homework yesterday afternoon. I could feel the skin of my tummy rolling together in uncomfortable creases. Why am I so damn FAT? "Nothing...tastes...as good...as...skinny....feels." I got up, and got some food.
That was the end of my fast for Monday. What had begun as a day to focus on growing spiritually in self-denial turned into a battle of the mind to fight thoughts of physical inadequacy and self-starvation. I never meant for it to turn into that, it just happened. I suppose that is what happens when you struggle not against flesh and blood, but against the spiritual forces of this present darkness.
Confession: I have a bad body image. I don't think my body is beautiful. In fact, I think it is quite unattractive. I fear becoming fat. I fear not being able to fit into my clothing.
This is what makes fasting so difficult for me.
There is a small sub-culture, propagated mainly over the Internet, called "Pro-Ana." 'Ana' is the personification of anorexia. I don't need to tell you what 'pro' means. One of these websites, usually blogs, is where I first read the phrase "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." It has stuck in my mind ever since, presenting itself when I am particularly struggling with my self-image.
This week has been difficult for that. I chose to fast yesterday, and *BAM* it turns into forcing myself to avoid food to avoid the calories. I chose, rightly, to end my fast pretty unceremoniously with some cheese, bell pepper, hummus, and a plum. I don't think God would have wanted me to continue my fast under such false pretenses as losing weight. I did, though, feel incredibly weak that I allowed my mind to be influenced by such a false statement.
But that is how it goes: best intentions so oft go awry.
So, how am I, a girl with eating disorder tendencies, supposed to follow the commandment of God to fast? The fasting isn't hard, it is keeping the right motive and mindset that presents such difficulty. It is always about the motives, the mind. I may never be able to fast on my own, I may have to have a friend fast with me to keep me accountable and intercede for me in prayer. Thank God for the fellowship of believers.
Let me say this: do not be deceived. The devil, Prince of this world, knows you. He knows your weaknesses. He plans around your strengths to prey upon you when you are weak. Whether you are strong in your faith or weak, young or old, a baby believer or not, he wants nothing more than to bring you down to ruins. He is quite good at it, too. But not as good as our God is at protecting us!
On that note, I am reminded of the story of Job. God allowed the satan to bring all the furies of hell upon Job, and did nothing to stop it, with this one exception: the satan could not take Job's life. I can't imagine how Job must have felt: alone, abandoned, definitely not protected. Yet never once did he deny the goodness of God. Incredible.
When the attacks of the devil come, will my God be allowing them, or protecting me from them? I can't say. But I do believe that, no matter my physical circumstances, the devil cannot control my mind. He may send demons and thoughts to attack it, but in the end it is I that can control my mind, through the power of the Holy Spirit.
So why did I go from fasting and anorexic thoughts to spiritual warfare? Because it is all interconnected. As I said earlier, our battle is not against flesh and blood (Ephesians 6:12). Spiritual warfare is a part of the daily life of a believer in Christ. We are a threat to the devil. How's that for a calling?
I have always struggled with my thoughts, controlling them, taking them captive to the obedience of Christ, etc. It is a daily battle for me.
That is just a little view into my world. Pray for me, pray for each other. And don't isolate yourselves.